why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
