his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
