i already hear my dad disowning me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
