Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
