My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
