3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
