My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
