There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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