Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
