Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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