If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
