if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
