Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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