haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
