Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
