I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
