i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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