I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
