They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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