Christians are straight up FREAKS
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
