Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
