I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize