Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
