Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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