I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
