You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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