I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
