I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
