I skipped work to stalk him.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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