Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize