I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Randomize