Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
