Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
