I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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