If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
