alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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