Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
