I must be too annoying 4 u.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
