You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Boobs speak an international language.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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