Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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