It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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