u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
