so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
