So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm always down for nudity.
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