So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
