something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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