Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
