You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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