I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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