I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
