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Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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