Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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