Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
