My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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