I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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