oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Life is so much better after having sex.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
